Who *Really* Loves Ya, Baby?!

This post is about the high cost of saying Yes to wrong-for-you people.

I had been asking the universe for some confirmation, on what I was about to do; the decision I had come to.

This year has been such a painful learning process around discovering the value of working with people who strengthen me. Painful sometimes is needed so we can really get it.

I won’t say I don’t mind the pain, because I do. I’m human and would prefer it to be different.

I’m not gonna tell you that I’ve been able to put that pain aside because I now know what it has been diligently working to reveal to my awareness.

The pain is there. It’s real. And knowing that working with the right kind of people is critical, as-in, life-or-death in this new-entrepreneurial-world, doesn’t change the pain. Only choosing better who I’ll say Yes to next time does.

And next time is here. It seems to be always here. Now. Right when you get it, you get to play with it. And see if it’s true for you.

Life yields the circumstances for me to put what I’ve become aware of right into my process. Pretty impressive this universe; how clever and right on time it is.

My process for thriving and growing and expanding got all out of balance this year. By saying yes to the wrong people. And because I understand the law of attraction is always at work, and how to take responsibility for my own self/thoughts, I only have deep gratitude for the ones who showed up to mirror my own lack of self-worth and constant undervaluing of myself I’ve been carrying around like a friggin’ pack mule.

Don’t get me wrong. I have also said yes to some amazingly right people. How do I know?

Easy is there; every single time.

Like in April, when I put out the mass communication to all my clients to say I needed self-care boundaries to nurture and honor my own creative throughput so I could keep delivering value to those who want what I offer. That I was basically burned out and admitting myself to “Urgent Self-Care!” Stuff like guidelines for how & when to engage me, turnaround times on email communications based on giving priority to those clients who did not yet have a web presence vs. those who already did but continued to want/need my time & attention.

Easy was ninety percent of my clients who cheered me on in my big announcement. I think because where I was resonated with them. They had/have been there themselves. Each of them in their own unique ways, gladly encouraging and continuing to… be supportive toward me, even when it meant they’d be standing in line most of 2011 to get their lil baby web presence born with me as their mid-wife.

Hard was the other ten percent who got royally pissed off and fired my ass. “How could you…” they seethed, “adjust your priority toward yourself and not keep it with me?”

All my boogie monsters of insecurity came (and still come) roaring out of my closets. I’m still healing. I’m still learning. Just not at the super high expense of myself.

Today, I’ll say no. But I’ll do so before I get in to the engagement. More practice. Another moment to choose alignment with me or alignment to hard. It’s the kinda no that the old scared, devalued me shivers in scarcity at the thought of saying. Scarcity always thinks everything is a big fuckin’ rush and we’re gonna miss out if we don’t hurry up and get there! Get it launched or respond to my email in my timeframe, not yours. I’m keener now to this vibration showing up in people who desire to work with me.

My guiding yeses were… a conversation with a strengthening client and two songs; back-to-back on the radio, that played in my top-down miata this morning as I pulled into the garage after dropping the Honeybee at water polo practice.

In my client conversation, I was able to say to her, out loud, “My boogie monsters are up again and I’m feeling guilty/worried/anxiety about how long you’ve waited for me and that I haven’t delivered.”

And she says to me, “I love you!” She said more, but really, the bottom line in all she said was simply that. Full of trust in this process, in it’s timing (mine and hers which coincidentally is and has been perfect for us both).

So much easy here.

As I contemplated further… “Is this a true no from my Inner Being or is it from my ego’s necessity to be right?”

My inner being answered back immediately… first via Tom Petty and then immediately after came Hall & Oates.

Three messages. All in a pretty little row.

In my last post, I talked about the destruction self-doubt can have in the process of webifying and following our dreams. I told you about giving myself space to be with my self-doubt instead of reacting like I normally do, which has been to follow any lead but my own. I decided to make peace with my self-doubt. Give it room and me time. In neutral. Or, as much non-judgment as possible.

And today, my doubty-ness actually held out its hand back toward me, to accept my peace offering of acknowledgement. Today, me & my self-doubt actually worked something out together. You might say our own version of happily ever after.

Instead of heading down that old familiar road of what do I need to do here to prove my value? Self-doubt said, “If you no longer needed me, what would you know here?”

You can prove it or you can know it. Your worth. Your value. Your gifts. What strengthens you. Who and what doesn’t.

Listen, I know I talk about some balls-out stuff on my blog. Things you think you might not ever say out loud or in writing on your own. And holding back is total bullshit. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just ask yourself what you really want and what you find yourself really attracted to… it’s telling the truth. It’s being who you are. It’s knowing your own contribution/value, and not hiding from what others will think and say about it when you bring it.

You and me both know, we don’t want to be treated any less than what we feel we are worth. Nor do we want to be challenged by people who constantly call us to task to prove ourselves, our loyalty, our commitment… to them. If we continue to engage with those who do not strengthen, support and celebrate who we are… our inner being will constantly cry out, “Don’t Do Me Like That” until we decide, “I Can’t Go For That.”

This is the learning that’s culminated for me, halfway through my 2011. Which for some of you may not be new truth, but I’m trusting that sharing it in my bring-it-balls-out style, you’ll hear what’s important for you to hear. Your inner being will set your skin on fire with the goosebumps that say ‘You are so worth it!’ Every struggle, every challenge, every tear. And in knowing this deeply, you’ll be empowered to know when it’s time to say, No thank you when the wrong-for-you people show up.

Feeling this or something and wanna say so?  Comment box below is all yours.


Exploring Creative Collaboration

The quick is not better than the slow. Slow ripening and rapid flowering alternate. Both are natural and right. ~ariyavansa.org

I’ve been checking out a few new people. New to me at least. We’ve been in each other’s orbit but, for whatever reason, I just haven’t been inclined to go more deeply. To look more closely.

The time becomes right for that. And then you pull that book down off your shelf. The one that’s been sitting there for two years. Among many others just like it, sitting for just as long and maybe longer.

I kind of secretly know when the right time is. Even when I don’t think I do.

If I just trust myself, and feel my way to expansivesness, like a boat uses its rudder, everything is on-time in my life. Even the shitty, challenging, extra growth-spurt kinda moments. On time.

Right on time for me just came as a closer look at Jonathan Mead’s The Zero Hour Work Week. Ultimately, the resonation in his free ebook that sang to me, “the paradigm is shifting.”

Aren’t they all? (said with mysterious astrological grin)

Jonathan was referring to the work paradigm shifting. That work isn’t work if you love it. And also I think, a deeper calling is being felt by people all around us. To live some version of our own personal truths. To express and contribute in a way that feels meaningful to our personal lives and to the world as a whole.

Some of us go by the label entrepreneur.

This is the underlying punctuation mark that I want to keep my eyes focused on. This is the reason I’m showing up everyday. For myself. For my clients. For my business, daughter, friends, lover, coaches, peers.

To express and contribute in a way that feels meaningful in my personal life and to the world as a whole.

I believe in this idea. Of a new way of proceeding in all partnership. Any kind. Where it is collaborative. And not competitive.

Gone or disappearing rapidly (I’ll give it till early June when Jupiter hits Aries) is the concept of position of authority over one another.

I believe I can be humble and do it within a context of equanimity. Where we are equals. Honoring unique skills, talent and abilities within each individual and also being aware of what it feels like to collaborate together. Recognizing expansive energy, where we feel built up and inspired to take action in our lives (creative). Or diminished, tired, and confused.

And making a conscious choice to find alignment, for your self, with what feels expansive while resisting the temptations to assign guilt or blame to the other for “not being a right fit” or a “perfect match.”

My personal paradigm shift: I don’t need your business/money so bad that it’s worth exchanging my feel goodedness for it in the process of earning it. I could have stayed in cubicle land for that kind of powerless feeling.

Creative collaboration is where people meet where they are, as they are. Not playing the role of client, teacher, coach. But playing the role of collaborative co-creator.

And this is my first rule of engagement. Whether I’m webifying or otherwise A rule not for keeping others out or for measuring up to, but for keeping me playing big and showing up fully.

*My First Rule of Engagement

  1. Collaborative Creating. It’s all about the equanimity. Win-Win. An even playing field is collaboration. Where we both work together and enjoy the process and create good yummy stuff. In other words, it doesn’t have to be hard and formal and all bidnizzy. There doesn’t have to be the old employer/employee/client dynamic going on. It’s about equanimity or collaborative creation. We do it together. What we do is better for it (the project or web presence or whatever) and we are too!

*This post is part of a short-series inspired by Danielle LaPorte (more about that here.) I’ll be sharing my two other rules of engagement in future post(s).