Gonna Give You My Love

Monday night at the Hollywood Bowl, one thing I heard over and over from all three musical artists was about living your dreams.

That they were living theirs. And to believe in my own.

Dreams are meant to be lived. Abraham says that if we can desire it, the Universe can produce it.

The economic downturn that began almost immediately after I jumped the Corporate-America ship taught me about what I really need to be happy.

Even after many of us lost so much, we are still here. Some have decidedly learned how to be happy, despite those losses. Some are still stuck in the fear and scarcity that there isn’t enough to go around.

Everything come and goes. Love. Money. Grief & loss. And life also.

I am learning to be a careful attendant of my present moment. Awake & aware. In these moments, I hear my life speaking to me. In almost every one, if you listen, you’ll hear & see what it wants to show you.

Monday night, in between the heart-felt messages of gratitude from these amazing & musically gifted artists, I listened.

My skin burned and my throat tightened as I felt the rush of emotion erupt from deep inside me. From deep within a dream.

Reminding me what I’m here to do. In tiny bits and pieces. One poignant phrase after another.

When I was 15 years old, my dad taught me to sail. I’ve dreamt of living onboard a boat and sailing around the world. And it’s what’s next for me.

My girlfriend and I will be letting go of everything. Our rented condo. Most of our possessions. We are not concerned about what we will do when we get back. Where we’ll live. Money. Not even which boat we’ll be on… our own or on a strangers, as part of their crew.

How can I be so sure, with so much uncertainty?

Well along with paying close attention to my present moments, I’ve also got my eyes on the stars. In early October, the transiting north node will hit my Mars. Deposited in the world-traveling sign of Sagittarius at the moment I took my first breath, I was born for adventure.

The nodes of the Moon provide insight around the timing of events and helps to pinpoint with more detail the particulars of an event. The North Node of the Moon, both in the natal (birth) horoscope and in its transit provides a positive influx of energy and power.

Mars represents how you go after what you want, your drive and energy to be active, your sexual and aggressive urges, initiative, motivation, courage, combativeness, struggle and war. It is the energy behind your feelings, whatever they are, and thus represents passion.

Mars with the nodes is the most dynamic for action of any other planet. Mars with the nodes give the courage to follow through on new ideas, striking out on one’s own, and there is more of a tendency to take risks.

Excerpt from Lunar Nodes by Celeste Teal

I’ve felt for a long while something was brewing. About 15 years ago, I was told I would travel to Australia and live out the later part of my years there. Hard to believe then. Today, not nearly as much.

Life and its surprises. This is mine. In the form of an extended leave of absence. I’ve spoken to many of you already in my inner circle, whether you’re a client or friend. There’s more to come. More surprises. More adventure. More life I want to live.

I’m discovering through each challenge & each celebration, my life is an adventure in learning to love me most. To trust that everything I need or want, is here already. To faithfully listen and follow.

On Monday night, Train covered this classic Led Zeppelin tune. Awake & aware, receiving fully, life delivered another message to me. From deep within a dream.

Thanks to you, I’m much obliged for such a pleasant stay
but now it’s time for me to go, the autumn moon lights my way

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Who *Really* Loves Ya, Baby?!

This post is about the high cost of saying Yes to wrong-for-you people.

I had been asking the universe for some confirmation, on what I was about to do; the decision I had come to.

This year has been such a painful learning process around discovering the value of working with people who strengthen me. Painful sometimes is needed so we can really get it.

I won’t say I don’t mind the pain, because I do. I’m human and would prefer it to be different.

I’m not gonna tell you that I’ve been able to put that pain aside because I now know what it has been diligently working to reveal to my awareness.

The pain is there. It’s real. And knowing that working with the right kind of people is critical, as-in, life-or-death in this new-entrepreneurial-world, doesn’t change the pain. Only choosing better who I’ll say Yes to next time does.

And next time is here. It seems to be always here. Now. Right when you get it, you get to play with it. And see if it’s true for you.

Life yields the circumstances for me to put what I’ve become aware of right into my process. Pretty impressive this universe; how clever and right on time it is.

My process for thriving and growing and expanding got all out of balance this year. By saying yes to the wrong people. And because I understand the law of attraction is always at work, and how to take responsibility for my own self/thoughts, I only have deep gratitude for the ones who showed up to mirror my own lack of self-worth and constant undervaluing of myself I’ve been carrying around like a friggin’ pack mule.

Don’t get me wrong. I have also said yes to some amazingly right people. How do I know?

Easy is there; every single time.

Like in April, when I put out the mass communication to all my clients to say I needed self-care boundaries to nurture and honor my own creative throughput so I could keep delivering value to those who want what I offer. That I was basically burned out and admitting myself to “Urgent Self-Care!” Stuff like guidelines for how & when to engage me, turnaround times on email communications based on giving priority to those clients who did not yet have a web presence vs. those who already did but continued to want/need my time & attention.

Easy was ninety percent of my clients who cheered me on in my big announcement. I think because where I was resonated with them. They had/have been there themselves. Each of them in their own unique ways, gladly encouraging and continuing to… be supportive toward me, even when it meant they’d be standing in line most of 2011 to get their lil baby web presence born with me as their mid-wife.

Hard was the other ten percent who got royally pissed off and fired my ass. “How could you…” they seethed, “adjust your priority toward yourself and not keep it with me?”

All my boogie monsters of insecurity came (and still come) roaring out of my closets. I’m still healing. I’m still learning. Just not at the super high expense of myself.

Today, I’ll say no. But I’ll do so before I get in to the engagement. More practice. Another moment to choose alignment with me or alignment to hard. It’s the kinda no that the old scared, devalued me shivers in scarcity at the thought of saying. Scarcity always thinks everything is a big fuckin’ rush and we’re gonna miss out if we don’t hurry up and get there! Get it launched or respond to my email in my timeframe, not yours. I’m keener now to this vibration showing up in people who desire to work with me.

My guiding yeses were… a conversation with a strengthening client and two songs; back-to-back on the radio, that played in my top-down miata this morning as I pulled into the garage after dropping the Honeybee at water polo practice.

In my client conversation, I was able to say to her, out loud, “My boogie monsters are up again and I’m feeling guilty/worried/anxiety about how long you’ve waited for me and that I haven’t delivered.”

And she says to me, “I love you!” She said more, but really, the bottom line in all she said was simply that. Full of trust in this process, in it’s timing (mine and hers which coincidentally is and has been perfect for us both).

So much easy here.

As I contemplated further… “Is this a true no from my Inner Being or is it from my ego’s necessity to be right?”

My inner being answered back immediately… first via Tom Petty and then immediately after came Hall & Oates.

Three messages. All in a pretty little row.

In my last post, I talked about the destruction self-doubt can have in the process of webifying and following our dreams. I told you about giving myself space to be with my self-doubt instead of reacting like I normally do, which has been to follow any lead but my own. I decided to make peace with my self-doubt. Give it room and me time. In neutral. Or, as much non-judgment as possible.

And today, my doubty-ness actually held out its hand back toward me, to accept my peace offering of acknowledgement. Today, me & my self-doubt actually worked something out together. You might say our own version of happily ever after.

Instead of heading down that old familiar road of what do I need to do here to prove my value? Self-doubt said, “If you no longer needed me, what would you know here?”

You can prove it or you can know it. Your worth. Your value. Your gifts. What strengthens you. Who and what doesn’t.

Listen, I know I talk about some balls-out stuff on my blog. Things you think you might not ever say out loud or in writing on your own. And holding back is total bullshit. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just ask yourself what you really want and what you find yourself really attracted to… it’s telling the truth. It’s being who you are. It’s knowing your own contribution/value, and not hiding from what others will think and say about it when you bring it.

You and me both know, we don’t want to be treated any less than what we feel we are worth. Nor do we want to be challenged by people who constantly call us to task to prove ourselves, our loyalty, our commitment… to them. If we continue to engage with those who do not strengthen, support and celebrate who we are… our inner being will constantly cry out, “Don’t Do Me Like That” until we decide, “I Can’t Go For That.”

This is the learning that’s culminated for me, halfway through my 2011. Which for some of you may not be new truth, but I’m trusting that sharing it in my bring-it-balls-out style, you’ll hear what’s important for you to hear. Your inner being will set your skin on fire with the goosebumps that say ‘You are so worth it!’ Every struggle, every challenge, every tear. And in knowing this deeply, you’ll be empowered to know when it’s time to say, No thank you when the wrong-for-you people show up.

Feeling this or something and wanna say so?  Comment box below is all yours.

Little Wonders

Gratitude

When you feel awesome, milk it. Line up all the blessings you can and count each little wonder tenderly!

When you feel awful, acknowledge it. When you feel like you have nothing else, if you look, Gratitude is still here. Helping you to remember, every “right here and now” becomes a “that was then.”

Go to gratitude. Any way, shape or form of it. Just find a way to get there.

Take a walk and look for things to appreciate (it’s what saved me from a window ledge once). Look for something in your life you love that you already have. Go back in time to a memory that brought you amazing joy and re-experience it again.

Building lists: Add 5 gratitudes a day

Today, I’m grateful for these things…

  • A very blue sky. Or a very dark and cloudy one. Both equally worthy of my gratitude and appreciation.
  • A warm hug hello. A sweet kiss goodbye.
  • A space to tell my truth and the willing heart who listens.
  • Warmth. Socks. A full hot bath. My made-for-me blue aphgan. Tea-cupped hands. The heating pad comforting my lower back.

Gratitude. The doorway. The path.

Little Wonders, Rob Thomas

[This is a video post, so you might need to click through if you’re reading this via email or RSS.]

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

Reverberations, part 2

December 15 – 5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

December 14 – Appreciate

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

Myself. And I don’t tell myself that enough, I think. But this year, I came around for me and showed up for me, more than ever before. In the beautiful moments, sure! And in the difficult breakdown moments, I stayed true to me, more often. Being able to see, that I didn’t exchange my own thoughts and feelings in for someone else’s idea of what was best for me, was really big.  There is nothing that strengthens me more than the practice of acknowledging and appreciating my self. In 2011, I’m taking this one to the bank!

December 13 – Action

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

To talk into this video camera, that’s been set-up in my office for three months, and pretend it’s you.

December 12 – Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

Cohesive me. Hmmm. Moments where I’m not aware of mind & body would be when I’m doing Remembrance (a sufi practice introduced to me by Mark Silver) or when I’m doing my own personal practice of remembering who I really am… that is, reminding myself how Love or God or Source sees me (or another or a specific situation). In 2011, cohesive me sees more often, the real you & the real me.

December 11 – 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

  1. For my complaining friends, I will change the subject. A lot.
  2. For my inner critic, I will initiate project self-adoration, 40 days of practicing radical self love.
  3. For my endless writing distractions, I will close Twitter, Facebook and Gmail tabs. (This tip is from Danielle LaPorte’s post “what’s on your stop doing list?“)
  4. For my doubt, I will make more wishes, and tell myself a new version of the story more often.
  5. For my out-of-aligned body that’s slowly coming into alignment, I’ll drink lots more water. Fresh, clean, pure. Water.
  6. For my stiff and sore lower back, I’ll get back to pilates and strengthening my core.
  7. For my misunderstandings, I’ll speak my truth more often even if it means you still won’t understand me.
  8. For my worry, I’ll remember faith is where I put my attention and choose to look for and at the things I love, appreciate and adore instead.
  9. For my heartbreaks, I’ll celebrate (and remind myself) I chose to let love in and that I still can and do, starting with myself.
  10. For my failures, I’ll keep showing up.
  11. For my attachment, I’ll trust more, that I have everything I need, right now. And that this is usually, always, the case.

December 10 – Wisdom

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

Wisest decision was hiring Charlie Gilkey. It played out in triple digits. As-in, biz revenue growth.

December 9 – Party

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

Cupcakes in Bel Air, of course!

Reverb10.com. An annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb10, you can do both!

How To Be Grateful For Yourself

just wanted to remind you,
about the importance of telling yourself regularly on this journey…
or while putting your sacred mojo into & behind
the continual unfolding of something you’ve created…
to say to yourself continually,”i’m doing really really good.”

if you say it and you don’t yet feel it,
you can ask for it to be shown to you

and in the meantime, i’ll continue to hold a space & remind you
as I know you would do for me

Closer To My Dreams

This Friday, I’m in touch with deep feelings of gratitude and thanks. Seriously. I’m not just saying that ‘cuz I’m a coach and optimystical.

Gratitude for a 7 week old kitten. That just mysteriously “landed” in my universe Monday, October 11th. Mewing from under a car, where I crawled and maneuvered so I could catch him and pull him out of a wheel-well. So so scared. Heart beating fast. I remember hearing his cries for mom beginning around 4 am that morning and wondering “who’s kitty has been left outside?”

The power of love is so amazing. It’s impossible not to love on him and cuddle with him. Even when he’s scared out of his mind. And what’s been remarkable is watching him change, in these last 11 days. Right now, he’s playing with a toy mouse behind me. He’s still going slowly (which reminds me to do so also, which I like).

Gratitude for an amazing compliment I received. I’m still all glowy inside. It reminds me about how easy it is to tune-out compliments. If they don’t come on a “big” enough topic (according to me), it’s easy to dismiss them. This one, this compliment, kinda knocked me over. Which is a really nice and good thing. And it still makes me think about the skill of letting compliments in, and learning to give myself that kind of compliment. The blow-yourself-over kind. Deep self love here.

Gratitude for music. Because it’s Friday. And time for Music That Saved Me.

Big giant steps this week toward completion on a big project in my own biz. Feels really super satisfying. I’m looking forward to what is next. Which is an awesome place to be and be feeling about life, in general.

“Oooh, yay, what’s next?”

Knowing there is a next. Not being too attached to the thing I’m about to launch. Just really happy to be hopefully, expanding my biz life to a new level while serving you. My perfect You’s. For whom I’m also extremely grateful.

This song captured my attention when I heard “Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)… Leaving all my fears to burn down.” Letting go has been a theme for the last few weeks (it’s seasonal, it’s also The Shed Project…) bringing focus to a topic that I think I can always become better at. Because ‘letting go’ does not usually come easy or natural. At least, not for me.

This song put me in touch with the idea of relaxing into letting go… trusting the freedom it brings, a freedom that elevates and expands me toward what’s next… Enjoy.

Closer by Goapele

[This is the video part of the post, so you might need to click through if you’re reading this via email or RSS.]

Closer to my dreams
It’s coming over me

I’m gettin’ higher
Closer to my dreams
I’m getting higher and higher
Feel it in my sleep

Some times it feels like I’ll never go pass here
Some times it feels like I’m stuck forever and ever

But, I’m going higher
Closer to my dreams
I’m goin’ higher and higher
I can almost reach

Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being
Close your eyes and see what you believe

I’m happy as long as we’re apart
Then I’m moving on to my dreams

I’ll be moving higher (Moving higher)
Closer to my dreams
And higher and higher, higher
Feel it in my being (I can feel it flow around me)
I know that I could not go alone (No, no)

I’m moving higher (Higher), oh…
I’m going higher and higher and higher (Higher and
Higher)
Closer to my dreams (Higher and higher, oh…oh…)
I’m moving upward and onward and beyond all I can see
(Stretching out my arms so I can reach)

Feels so close it’s like i can just reach
I can feel my dreams (Closer to my dreams)
I’m moving closer to my dreams
I’m moving (Higher and higher) higher and higher
(Higher and higher)
Moving higher, oh…

Some times it feels like you never gon’change (Never gon’change)
But you never choose to walk away

Climbing Down Off The Window Ledge

Something shifted almost immediately after pressing publish on my last post. I talk about pressing publish all the time. Which, unless you blog, you may not understand. But it’s similar to the window ledge. Pressing publish and jumping.

When I press publish, there is a sense of empowerment that happens. Sort of like saying “I choose.” And over the last two days, I’ve been choosing to step out of the window and down from the ledge.

I thought about writing it down, so I could remember how to do it next time. Because I’m learning, there is usually always a next time. Otherwise it wouldn’t be called practice. There will be another window ledge moment.

The first thing I noticed after pressing publish were the familiar voices of fear asking me to doubt myself again. Was I sure? Was it appropriate? Does it matter?

In they come. All gathering around me to console me in some way. Like, “I’m so sorry you have to be you and make all these mistakes all the time.” Hideous. Obsurd even. And even hideous-er is that I actually stop for a minute, sometimes even longer, getting distracted going down that rabbit hole.

So I took a walk. And I decided I wanted to feel better. I mean, taking the walk in the first place was a “feel better” thing for me to do. I’m on this window ledge… what can I do to feel better right now?

And as I was walking and reminding myself that that’s what I want, is to feel better, my eyes distracted me, in a good way. And I found myself in a familiar but distant-at-the-time land of Gratitude. I noticed colors first. Flowers. I said, “That is so beautiful. That is SO beautiful. Boy it’s nice to see beauty. I like seeing that. I like seeing beautiful things.”

Followed by a beautiful moment of recognizing a sense of peace, relief, easy breathing.

Which is me being aware of myself. How I was feeling. Being aware that I am aware. Awareness. Coming back to the moment.

Remembering the good that started it… Gratitude.

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

What is already good that I’m just missing the boat on? Where is good floating on by but I’m just not focused on that? My attention is… well stolen. Or unguarded. My attention. Drifting away like a small just-walking child wanders to & fro, bumping into things, waking up, forgetting again.

Focus. Beauty. Gratitude.

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

Remembering… gratitude is a way through. I can count on gratitude.

I can count on gratitude.

I can count on seeing the good if I’ll remind myself to look for it.

Make it the most important priority. See the good. Feel better.

I’m still up on that window ledge. I’m just slowing, gently easing myself into a new direction. In this case, down from the window ledge. Instead of wanting to jump out and get from here to there in 2.5 seconds. Or just be done with it. The learning. Or karma. Or whatever it is.

Easy does it. Moving down off the window ledge.