How I Got To The Hot Seat

I want to tell you the story about how I got into the hot seat this past March. I’ve been really into telling stories lately. In fact, I’m sorta camped out there right now. Which can only mean, this (storytelling) must be a big deal for me.

Making it up ‘Good’

One reason I tell stories, is to help myself feel better about a situation. Many years ago, in my Fearless Living training to become a coach, I heard from mentors and the creator of the program to “make it up good!”

Rhonda uses humor in a beautiful way, that helps me open my heart when I’m doing something I’ve presumed would be hard… like lookin’ at your personal shizzle and ironing some of the kinks out so you feel better. So you feeeel like makin’ love (really, this isn’t a post about sex, and neither was my question for Abe even though it might first appear that way).

Instead of planning for the worse case, which is what we’ve sorta been taught our whole lives to do; what to look out for and how to stay safe, she’d say, “If you are gonna make stuff up, might as well make it up good!”

So before I got to the chair, I told myself a very vivid story. I know the power of my imagination and I had specifically avoided telling myself a detailed story of a visit with Abraham because I wanted to really feel I was ready. Usually, I just glossed over it. Knowing that one day, I would go. But most days wasn’t going to be that day. Even days I attended a workshop wouldn’t be my day. Interestingly enough, it was the person-sitting-beside-me’s turn, which I talk about here.

The night before the workshop, I lay in bed, doing my usual nightly ritual (hopefully not so completely exhausted that I remember to do my nightly ritual). I’ve been using the mediation CD day & night, very consistently, since January. I sometimes listen to a few YouTube videos before bed instead. Anyway, my nightly ritual goes something like this:

An evening ritual of Making It Up ‘Good’

  • get a little high on Abe, somehow/someway (mediation CD/YouTube video)
  • think about how delicious my bed feels, when I first get in it and thank the living shit out of that, thank the universe that I know exactly what good feels like, it feels like this moment right now, when I first climb into bed.
  • Next, I’ll intend to have the most amazing sleep ever.
  • I’ll intend to wake feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and totally f’n crazy-excited about my day, what/who/how… all of it blessed, now!
  • I’ll intend that I’ll immediately remember, even before rising from bed tomorrow morning, that when I open my eyes, to return to this feeling right now. To recapture this wave and begin from here.
  • Here is the place, where if you know of specific events that will be happening in your life, you can intend for their successful conclusions based on the good of all concerned or just fall asleep (if you haven’t already, lol) …
  • For me, I decided to do segment intending or pre-pave my trip to the chair tomorrow by going there now. And so I did and I ended up chatting with Abraham.

Yes, I did say chatting with Abraham

And I did. And I noted that Abraham wasn’t quite as funny without Esther there. Still very funny though. And I had this complete visualization of coming up to the chair, and feeling relaxed and comfortable. And that we would laugh and have fun. And it would be as easy as this chat right now is. And it was satisfying. And tomorrow would be satisfying also. And I reflected a moment on how I would feel… overjoyed that I showed myself my own power of intention by getting to the chair. And I remember seeing my friend’s face as I sat down beside her after visiting with Abraham in the visualization.

There was amazing power I felt that was imbued into this story I was telling because I chose to add something simple and easy for myself to visualize, like the familiarity of a friend’s face… anything easy is really good ju-ju. We can throw ourselves out of the vortex very quickly with going too detailed so this is practice! I picture the hummingbird, how she flows easily, effortlessly and with intention over and around the themes in my “make it up good” stories. Down deep into detail and them hovering above, in just the simple feel goodedness of the being the storyteller and making this my creation!)

And then I opened my eyes. I smiled. And I thought, I was just joking around with Abraham about getting my ass in that chair tomorrow. That was fun. Easy. I further intended, I’m going to stay relaxed about it all. Tomorrow I will know what other processes to use to support myself (and I did and it was easy, really it became easier as I let go and trusted this had already happened because technically, it just had!)

What was not easy (surprisingly) was being in the chair.

For now, check out this conversation with Abraham to understand more why I’m writing about this now even though the general topic of “the chair” has been on my list since March <sheepish grin>.

Till soon,
mm.

 

 

Identifying Your Default Position

Ever since I started coaching on the subject of fear, I’ve been challenged to succinctly identify the reasons behind why someone chooses to explore fear.

I’ve told my own story, to help illustrate how I came to want to master fear in my life. And I’ve done the reflection of asking myself and my clients (the brave souls who did find resonation with what I’ve said about fear thus far).

The biggest common denominator with many of them (myself included) was that before I found a pathway through the proverbial fear wilderness, I had a suspicion that fear was behind a lot of the stuff I did, that I didn’t want to do anymore.

So I put my stake down into that ground and have flown a flag there ever since.

I even said it out loud, to the lastest brave soul who has decided to take this journey with me. I confirmed with her that deciding the right angle or words to use when talking with people about why they would want to work with me on their fear continues to challenge me. Even she brought forward that, after she experienced working together in some other areas (getting her tech-savvy on), she had come to realize a connection to fear in her own life and that it was somehow holding her back where she wanted to move forward.

I think since we had a pre-existing relationship, it was easy for me to be vulnerably honest and say it right out loud to her, “I do not know how to say this… at all. I will confirm for you though that, most have a precognition that fear is at the bottom, somewhere, and they are ready to begin taking a closer look at this.”

It’s funny, that saying that goes “Be careful what you ask for.” Although, I would underemphasize the “be careful” part for my point here, I think that since I’ve been asking for clarity, it has started to come.

And here it is.

One reason you might be thinking about looking more closely at fear is because you want to change your default position. Let me explain what I mean by default position.

What It Is

So we grow up, right? We have parents and life experiences that condition us. We have a world, reflecting back to us. In the reflection, we can find and see whatever it is we might be looking for. Because to put it simply, what we focus on, expands (more on this later).

So your default position is comprised of many of these influences. And then as adults, we now have an automatic way of showing up in the world that draws from our life experiences and conditioning, beliefs, etc.

What is your automatic way of showing up? If you begin to ask yourself this question, the answer you arrive at will point at your default position. They are essentially one in the same.

Now, if you are thinking about this question for the first time and are like, (snap snap snap)… my default position is __________________, please consider giving yourself some time to really contemplate the question. Otherwise, your default position is likely calling the shots and I’ll put money down that you are not getting at an authentic answer.

I say this because in my experience of talking to people about fear, what it is and how it shows up… many people reply almost instantly (without even thinking) “I’m not afraid. Fear? Oh that’s nice. I don’t need you because the problems you help people solve do not ail me.” And my thoughts are, “That was the answer from their default position.” A position that usually is about covering up the feeling that you might not be enough, just the way you are.

Smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough. You get it. What’s your enough? It’s another really great question to ponder as it can reveal to you more about your automatic way of showing up.

The other bit of clarity I’m coming across is the idea of filters. Just at arms length away from your default position, are the filters that you process information through. When your boss says something to you, it passes through a filter. When you say something to someone, it passes through a filter.

Again, one of the reasons you would want to look at working with me is that you see value in looking at and shifting those filters. Remember, that what you focus on, expands. It’s natural.

Flickr photo by digitalART2Here’s how it works: right now, in this moment, I want you NOT to think about a large purple elephant. Whatever you do, do not think about a large purple elephant. Got it?

See if you can not think about a purple elephant for the next 10 seconds.

Alright, chances are you are chuckling a bit because you are brave enough to admit there is no way you cannot NOT think about a purple elephant. Your attention was brought to it and by simply saying “don’t think about it” you cannot, not think about it.

Life works much the same way. Your mind will offer its thoughts and opinions about what your default position might be in an instant. What is more important is to reflect on what it might be more deeply. And you want to do this because you understand there is a difference between the constant babble of self-talk versus a deeper introspective type of thought. You do this because, if it’s true that what we focus on expands, knowing what your default position is and your filters become exceedingly important to living the life you want versus just going through the motions.

And so here it is. You will want to take this journey into looking more closely at your fear because you want to change your default position. You will want to take this journey into looking at your fear more closely because you want to change your filters. Because you recognize that if your filters primarily process information like this, “I’ve got to watch out. Someone may think I’m doing this wrong. I might get yelled at. I might get reprimanded, or ridiculed. Others might think I’m stupid or incompetent which I must avoid having them think at all costs…” That is fear my friend. That is what fear sounds like.

And now just take a moment and ask yourself how you want your life to be… and if those filters are helping you get there?

Here’s a tip: getting there doesn’t have to be full of a ton of action effort. OK Hercules? You can set down the earth now.

Seriously.

Getting there starts with simple, easy, baby steps… like checking out your filters and seeing if you are willing to tell yourself what your default position is… is it based in fear?

Where we’re going is the opposite of fear. At least, where I’m going is. And those brave souls who desire for something different in our world. They are going there too. And the place to start is with the person in the mirror and understanding what your default position is and what filters are in place holding it there.

Default positions. Filters. Fear.

Curious? I’m always willing to talk about fear with anyone.

Why Living Is Scary Biz

I’m afraid to write. I’m afraid to be me. I’m afraid to say what I really think… or you’ll go run and hide. All the little thoughts that boil up when I get ready to do something important.

Me and my random thoughts. Yet how random are they?

When I stop and look and listen, I see the thread of fear running through all of it.

A fear of being wrong. Wrong-shaped. Wrong smarts. Wrong for the job. Wrong for success.

Wrong for you. Whoever you might be in this moment.

And one more time, I find, I’m looking outside of me. Again. Looking for some relief. Relief from disappointment. Relief from resentment (carrying disappointment over time). Relief that this time, what I really want, won’t end up lying just beyond my reach. Again.

In Fearless Living, this dynamic is called Expectation. It’s the mindtrap of being lost to my (mostly fear-based) thoughts. And driving totally asleep at the wheel since I have no concept that I get more of whatever I’m giving my attention to.

Expectation is multi-faceted in how it shows up. I never stop becoming more aware of just how much it is woven into my human experience. From relating to others and things in our world to relating to myself.

I find myself frequently waking up to the awareness that I’m caught up in the web of another one of my expectations.

People ask me all the time when we’re working together, “Is there ever an objective of getting fully rid of expectation? Or is expectation a bad thing?”

And herein enters the famous coaching phrase, “It’s part of the process.”

Which really is the gift for helping us out of the uncomfortableness of expectations in the first place. The “shifting-your-focus-on-to-a-process” part that is, instead of looking solely at or for the end result.

What kind of uncomfortableness am I talking about?

Oh the resentment and disappointment from earlier. That plus tons more. Like the irritation, frustration, blaming, isolating, procrastinating, compromising, and powerlessness. The bitterness, judgmentalism, suffering and settling. Oh and the annoyance, entitlement, dissatisfied and perfectionistic uncomfortableness. Do you know any of these?

But wait, there’s more!

These symptoms and many others, all stem from one place: an expectation.

Not the juicy, full of optimysticism, joyful anticipation expectation. No, not that kind at all.

This one is the kind that is attached to a very specific outcome. Usually based on other things we do, say, think or plan. And boy, when that plan does not execute the way we want it too, enter uncomfortableness!

So here’s the deal: If you’re curious, about this afraid stuff or the expectation stuff or the disappointment and irritation stuff, I invite you to check out this live, two-part tele-seminar thingy I’m doing on July 23 & 30th.

The first part is an hour devoted just to Expectations themselves. Exploring them. Uncovering them. Seeing how they show up in your own life. You’ll get some interesting ideas to take with you that will help to uncover them. If you don’t already have a slight clue as to what they are, you’ll definitely know after this class. Then we come back on the 30th and discover a new way of dealing with all the disappointy-yucky-irritated-crap and apply a step-by-step process for getting clear on what’s right for you, in the moment. So when you act, it’s from clarity. Not from the confused and fear-based fog of self-doubt and devaluing yourself. Ugh!

And if you already have a sense you are ready to crack down on this and the rest of your fear in a compassionate and sometimes funny way, let’s chat. I got a whole bag of tricks for fear and living fearlessly.

So there. I went ahead and wrote anyway. I said what I thought. And I was definitely more me. It is scary. But I kept moving. And now here we are, at the end of another post.

Technology Baby!

I have this amazing story to tell you. Get some tea, whatever comfort creatures you delight in and I’ll tell you all about TECHNOLOGY BABY!

Ready?

A Business Root Sprouts

End of Summer 2007 during a type of mastermind-ey call, I ask Wendy if she’d be interested in hearing a proposal I had to teach coaches how to build their own websites. I was looking around my world and asking myself questions like, “where can I transfer some of my ‘feel’ good activities into helping others and generating income. I had a ton, and I mean a ton of technology skills and talent to transfer into my small business services and needed cash, income, dinero! This was a huge opening and shift in how I had been looking at being self-employed while dancing my special dance. Alternate streams of income, right?

So I tell Wendy about this plan I have to help meet a need I see in my world. Part of my world is Fearless Living. Actually, a very big part of my world. Fearless Living is a community of coaches and people in general who want to discover ways to deal with their fears. People get coaching and training to become a coach and practice the same stuff, talk the same language. It’s pretty cool. Set me “free,” in a lot of ways. And I give it five stars for anyone who is into personal growth. Anyways, there were a lot of cool folks, trying to be all fearless and stuff, and one of their biggest blocks was using the web to do that and I just happen to have all these cool webified skills. Hm.

Knowing Your Tribe & Getting “The Right” Support

Wendy has been part of my fearless tribe for a while. And I remembered her mentioning she was a web head too so I thought mostly, “I wonder if this is good enough?” and then in popped a thought about Wendy so I was fearless one day and asked her to look at it with me.

I also knew from my coaching experiences that I was taking some big new steps. Using some old skills (technology) and new skills (teaching, coaching, mentoring) to show up in new ways. Accountability always helps here when we’re doing new & different things. Also, doing new & different things with people we resonate with, feel supported by and safe to be with helps too. Have I just described the coaching relationship? Indeed! I said, “Wendy, what do you think?” and then I became so impressed with my boldness I said, “What about joining me too?”

And here we are. Your Web Coaches. An idea that actually became something. Here’s a tiny bit more on how the process unfolded.

Getting Clear On Your Business Intention

The first thing Wendy and I did, after being excited about what was possible, was talk about the parts that scared us. We both knew, because of a particular interest and study of fear, we would encounter some uncomfortableness along the way and further from our studies, we have acquired and frequently practice special tools to get Jedi with it, our fear that is. One Jedi move is called intention. Fear just does a brilliant job of covering up unique aspects of our selves that would naturally express if fear wasn’t in the way mucking it all up. Wendy and I defined an intention that would support us for when things got scary and weird and when we were definitely outside what feels normal and comfortable for us. Here’s what we discovered.

The Your Web Coaches Business Roots

When fear flies in, our FUN meters sort of crashed so we needed a mantra to help us remember to have fun, all the time. It really matters and counts and is part of making friends with technology. So fun is a core value or one of our roots of the YWC business tree. Keeping fun front and center is very important.

Speaking of fun, we also noticed how much fun it was to EMPOWER other people, to give them a sense of “I can do it!” Totally rewarding and effortless with the right people (our perfect clients). This became a critical element in our decision making as well. From fun came empowerment, another clue we were “in the zone.”

Finally, SHARE came up. I think even this week during our regular strategy call together, we got closer to “connect” which feels like where sharing comes from or what we do when we connect. We used it initially to anchor us into the awareness that what we have naturally, as who we uniquely are, can be shared to empower other people and we can have fun doing it.

Ta-dah! Empower, fun, share pretty much sums up how we work.

Business Roots and Decision-Making

Now I mentioned decision-making and this is crucial (if you’ve been reading Wendy’s blog posts on the Business Tree,
this will make even more sense). When our decisions for our business (or our lives) connects back to a root (value), we can check for resonance. Not super hard. Not a ton of effort required to “figure it out,” sensations in your body will help to inform you too! Bottom line is, if it doesn’t match with what YOUR primary business intention is (your roots or core values), then don’t do it! Or maybe just wait also. Waiting in neutral works well too!

Fast forward to today. And here you are. Here we are. And it’s pretty simple really. If you’ve got a technology problem, we combine technology “know-how” with a life coach-ey type approach to help you grow your business, from the inside out. That’s why we call it organic. Because it is all really you in the end. I’ve got some cool Jedi tricks to use with Fear and Wendy has a compassionate, in-plain-english, approach to technology. I love technology, always have & think I always will and am not throwing the baby out with bath water just because I left Corporate America (Ok, I ran out as if my hair was on fire!) Multiple streams of income baby! Baby baby.

Oh Yeah, Jedi Moves Called Intention

So that is the story of ‘how’ – and our business roots (core values) tell you a bit more about the ‘why’s’. Oh and the intention part, here that is. An intention is all about practicing how you want to show up in the moment. That’s it. Wendy and I use our roots to remind ourselves that no matter how uncomfortable or scary we might feel, we are willing to BE our business roots in any given moment. We say, “Oh this is new and different and I’m freaked-the-****-out” and then remind ourselves that we are most fulfilled and in the zone when we are having fun, and sharing our wisdom and knowledge in an empowering way. Acknowledge feelings, act on commitments. Jedi!

If you are ready to get clear on what really matters to you and your business and translate that in a purposeful & empowered way using technology, we are your Wonder Twins! We get Jedi through Technology Baby!

Until next time!