Who *Really* Loves Ya, Baby?!

This post is about the high cost of saying Yes to wrong-for-you people.

I had been asking the universe for some confirmation, on what I was about to do; the decision I had come to.

This year has been such a painful learning process around discovering the value of working with people who strengthen me. Painful sometimes is needed so we can really get it.

I won’t say I don’t mind the pain, because I do. I’m human and would prefer it to be different.

I’m not gonna tell you that I’ve been able to put that pain aside because I now know what it has been diligently working to reveal to my awareness.

The pain is there. It’s real. And knowing that working with the right kind of people is critical, as-in, life-or-death in this new-entrepreneurial-world, doesn’t change the pain. Only choosing better who I’ll say Yes to next time does.

And next time is here. It seems to be always here. Now. Right when you get it, you get to play with it. And see if it’s true for you.

Life yields the circumstances for me to put what I’ve become aware of right into my process. Pretty impressive this universe; how clever and right on time it is.

My process for thriving and growing and expanding got all out of balance this year. By saying yes to the wrong people. And because I understand the law of attraction is always at work, and how to take responsibility for my own self/thoughts, I only have deep gratitude for the ones who showed up to mirror my own lack of self-worth and constant undervaluing of myself I’ve been carrying around like a friggin’ pack mule.

Don’t get me wrong. I have also said yes to some amazingly right people. How do I know?

Easy is there; every single time.

Like in April, when I put out the mass communication to all my clients to say I needed self-care boundaries to nurture and honor my own creative throughput so I could keep delivering value to those who want what I offer. That I was basically burned out and admitting myself to “Urgent Self-Care!” Stuff like guidelines for how & when to engage me, turnaround times on email communications based on giving priority to those clients who did not yet have a web presence vs. those who already did but continued to want/need my time & attention.

Easy was ninety percent of my clients who cheered me on in my big announcement. I think because where I was resonated with them. They had/have been there themselves. Each of them in their own unique ways, gladly encouraging and continuing to… be supportive toward me, even when it meant they’d be standing in line most of 2011 to get their lil baby web presence born with me as their mid-wife.

Hard was the other ten percent who got royally pissed off and fired my ass. “How could you…” they seethed, “adjust your priority toward yourself and not keep it with me?”

All my boogie monsters of insecurity came (and still come) roaring out of my closets. I’m still healing. I’m still learning. Just not at the super high expense of myself.

Today, I’ll say no. But I’ll do so before I get in to the engagement. More practice. Another moment to choose alignment with me or alignment to hard. It’s the kinda no that the old scared, devalued me shivers in scarcity at the thought of saying. Scarcity always thinks everything is a big fuckin’ rush and we’re gonna miss out if we don’t hurry up and get there! Get it launched or respond to my email in my timeframe, not yours. I’m keener now to this vibration showing up in people who desire to work with me.

My guiding yeses were… a conversation with a strengthening client and two songs; back-to-back on the radio, that played in my top-down miata this morning as I pulled into the garage after dropping the Honeybee at water polo practice.

In my client conversation, I was able to say to her, out loud, “My boogie monsters are up again and I’m feeling guilty/worried/anxiety about how long you’ve waited for me and that I haven’t delivered.”

And she says to me, “I love you!” She said more, but really, the bottom line in all she said was simply that. Full of trust in this process, in it’s timing (mine and hers which coincidentally is and has been perfect for us both).

So much easy here.

As I contemplated further… “Is this a true no from my Inner Being or is it from my ego’s necessity to be right?”

My inner being answered back immediately… first via Tom Petty and then immediately after came Hall & Oates.

Three messages. All in a pretty little row.

In my last post, I talked about the destruction self-doubt can have in the process of webifying and following our dreams. I told you about giving myself space to be with my self-doubt instead of reacting like I normally do, which has been to follow any lead but my own. I decided to make peace with my self-doubt. Give it room and me time. In neutral. Or, as much non-judgment as possible.

And today, my doubty-ness actually held out its hand back toward me, to accept my peace offering of acknowledgement. Today, me & my self-doubt actually worked something out together. You might say our own version of happily ever after.

Instead of heading down that old familiar road of what do I need to do here to prove my value? Self-doubt said, “If you no longer needed me, what would you know here?”

You can prove it or you can know it. Your worth. Your value. Your gifts. What strengthens you. Who and what doesn’t.

Listen, I know I talk about some balls-out stuff on my blog. Things you think you might not ever say out loud or in writing on your own. And holding back is total bullshit. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just ask yourself what you really want and what you find yourself really attracted to… it’s telling the truth. It’s being who you are. It’s knowing your own contribution/value, and not hiding from what others will think and say about it when you bring it.

You and me both know, we don’t want to be treated any less than what we feel we are worth. Nor do we want to be challenged by people who constantly call us to task to prove ourselves, our loyalty, our commitment… to them. If we continue to engage with those who do not strengthen, support and celebrate who we are… our inner being will constantly cry out, “Don’t Do Me Like That” until we decide, “I Can’t Go For That.”

This is the learning that’s culminated for me, halfway through my 2011. Which for some of you may not be new truth, but I’m trusting that sharing it in my bring-it-balls-out style, you’ll hear what’s important for you to hear. Your inner being will set your skin on fire with the goosebumps that say ‘You are so worth it!’ Every struggle, every challenge, every tear. And in knowing this deeply, you’ll be empowered to know when it’s time to say, No thank you when the wrong-for-you people show up.

Feeling this or something and wanna say so?  Comment box below is all yours.

What The Hell, Facebook!

And How To Take It Personally

If you follow me on Facebook, yesterday I unfriended at least half of you with the invitation that if you don’t know me personally, you can “like” my Fanpage instead. Even if most of my status updates yesterday said 99% got axed, it’s really not quite that bad.

Why did I axe everyone?

Loving axed! (Can you tell?) Playing and having fun is sometimes the best way to bounce. When I allow myself to feel into playfulness and fun, I am more naturally able to let go of the things that are no longer serving me. I take the hard out and put the fun in.

Back to grinding “Ye Ole Axe”… I read this post from Darren Rowse a few weeks ago. The entire time saying to myself, “Yes, yes, yes… this is me too!” Darren is @Problogger on Twitter. And one of the best blogging resources around.

In “Dear FaceBook Friends, I’m De-Friending Most of You [It’s Not You, It’s Me]” it all became crystal clear.  My personal account on Facebook needs to be personal and its not.

So yesterday morning on Facebook, I began trumpeting what was going down… my personal friend count! So far it’s shrunk by 50%. And it feels really good!

Many of you brought to my attention the subject of boundaries which I love. And it’s true… there has been a complete transformation of boundaries in my personal and professional life underway throughout all of 2011 (it feels like).

Boundaries, I’m learning are for me. They are not a stop sign for you, even though sometimes it feels to me, that’s what I’m saying to you. I’m looking at my boundary as something that reminds me to keep loving me. To make myself the highest priority. Because it’s from a full heart I create and give back joyfully. Which is something I want to be experiencing more of. Joyful creative service.

It’s loving me the way I want to be loved. Adoring me, the way I wish to be adored, by my clients. By any one. A practice form of The Golden Rule, internalized.

Here’s that usually-forgotten-until-you-do-it pleasant surprise that comes from loving and tending to your boundaries like you would a beautiful garden… it’s called fresh clean air. Or, spaciousness. Freedom. A place to take a deep breath into what is, relax & trust and see again, everything really is for you.

So what the hell?!

Several of you mentioned that you were thinking of getting personal with Facebook yourselves.

I got the hint. And when Avril Lavigne came on the radio, this divine lightening rod from the Universe whispered (well screamed sorta, it is Avril) into my ear…

“All I want is to mess around,
I don’t really care if you love me or hate me,
you can’t save me.
All my life I’ve been good but now…
WHOA! What the hell!?”

And that was it… I also want and need a place not to be good, to mess around, and not be so optimistically delicious. More likely, I’ll still be delicious, even more so. Just one more reason to love your boundaries.

So, if Darren’s post doesn’t further flame your desire, maybe I can help demystify enough of it, for you to take the leap, and bounce into your own “What the hell?!”

Reclaiming your personal Facebook account as personal

  1. Is your Fanpage set up and ready to go? Get it going (if you haven’t). Fanpages are for anything. And most assuredly they are for you too. For me personally, I want to keep some of my “what-the-hell” moments out of sight from the whole freakin’ world.
  2. The day of “Ye Ole Axe” you’ll be tweeting (at least once and probably a couple of times throughout the week), and Facebook status-updating on both your personal page and your Fanpage. I made myself available a lot throughout the day, to interact and answer questions and just show up as the-Me-you-know-me-as, which seemed to soothe away any concerns. (Yo, who really wants to see me in my I ❤ vagina tee-shirt anyway?)
  3. You’ll want to look at un-tying any automatic status updating you may already have in place. I use Facebook’s NetworkedBlogs application to handle tweets and status updates to both my Facebook profile & Fanpage at the moment. Still unclear if I’m completely pulling the plug on my blog posts auto-updating to my personal page. We’ll see.
  4. On a go-forward: People requesting friendship with you at your personal Facebook page, simply reply “I’d really love it if we could connect here, at my Fanpage: [insert your fanpage URL here].”
  5. Speaking of Fanpage URLs, once 25 peeps like your page, you can visit http://facebook.com/username to set up your custom Fanpage URL. Remember the Facebook rules here, once you claim it, you can’t change it.

Ok, thaz it. Really. If you are lookin’ for some other good Facebook resources (like how to hell do I set up my Fanpage), check out my links on Delicious.

Have fun with this! It really helps. There were some more challenging moments throughout the process, as I cut deeper and deeper down into my original 458 followers on Facebook. And I’m not done! Facebook still shows me having 458 friends this morning so I’m thinking it may take Facebook a couple of days to come inline with my new slimmer Facebook personal account waistline. And then there’s the refreshing sense of feeling more open and available to what’s next. Yeah, that!

It’s amazing how being clear myself (boundaries are a healthy part of that support system) strengthens my own message.

Try it and let me know if the same is true for you! Avril will definitely help get you started from your fun & play place.

 

Petitioning Your Jedi

It’s quiet. Not dead quiet of course because, per usual, I’m sorting things out (with myself) up here on this breezy window ledge. Only this time, I’m using pen and paper…

Dear Jedi,
I wanted to talk with you today about my need to be persuasive. And how often it shows up.

I’ve had a few challenging moments with relationships in particular the last year or so. And I’m noticing how hard I’m working at being persuasive. I guess with the wrong people. And I guess, in the larger scope, the need to be persuasive at all kinda points at something else entirely, doesn’t it?

Like maybe I’m not enough without it.

So I wanted to make a declaration today… about how I’m engaging with others and how I’m showing up with myself.

I’m really tired of working so hard at trying to be understood. Really working at that. And cultivating the perfect string of words to do it in. So no one takes it the wrong way. I just want to say right now, I’m really tired. And it doesn’t feel good. So I’m really ready to let this go and start understanding myself better.

I’m also tired of thinking that if I’m compassionate, the other person will be too. Hoping that will happen. Instead of just recognizing that it’s not available for me and that it’s not even the other person’s responsibility to give it to me. And it’s not even really about me at all. Not in the way that I think. I’m ready to see this more clearly and I know I’m getting better at it everyday. I’m ready to be kind with myself more than with any other. As I figure out how to love myself better.

And, lastly, since we’re talking about giving up persuasion… I’m tired of leaning too much into my head for understanding. Instead of recognizing what my heart is already saying. Over and over. About understanding. And what we do in and during a misunderstanding. My heart has a different perspective on all of it, and a wisdom I can really trust.

And Jedi, could you be kind enough to occasionally help me remember that I don’t need to be persuasive about anything at all?

Help me remember that I can just show up and be enough. I can come right to the moment and accept and approve of myself. And it’s gonna be a whole lot better than anything that persuasion might cook up.

And so this is my petition to you, dear Jedi, and to my inner knowing. A declaration. I have decided.

Thanks for being up here with me. Oh and persuasion, thank you too.

Love,
mm.

If you’re ready for a personal declaration on some of your stuff, so am I and I’ve got a plan…

Jedi Mind Tricks: Look To No Other

Jedi: All of your power is Now (right now). Now (right now).

Me: But I have good reason to feel this way… all these blog posts and stuff; I can tell you the story of how horrible it is…

Jedi: You’re right. You should feel bad. But feel bad and then do your best to help yourself feel good. All of your power is Now. Now is your point of attraction.

What would make you feel more comfortable right NOW?

Me: I would feel safer if my boundaries/requests were honored more often. I would feel like engaging and interacting more, if I wasn’t constantly bombarded with sad depressing stories of how bad it all is. It’s a huge Debbie Downer. It sucks me dry. I can’t focus on what’s important to me like creativity, writing, designing. I’m interrupted from doing my job. Even after I ask not to be. I’m interrupted again. And then again.

Jedi: So what would make you more comfortable is if the other would come over to where you are?

Me: Yes.

Jedi: Yes, well, and how’s that working for you? Has the other come to stand with you yet? And be in agreement with you so you can have what you want?

Me: Nice Dr. Phil… no the other obviously hasn’t come yet or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Jedi: I see. So I guess the question now is would it be possible for you to be comfortable without the other’s participation?

Me: Hmmmm. I don’t know. I’ve never actually thought of that before.

Jedi: And so how would you begin to feel comfortable even if the other isn’t willing to join you where you are?

Me: I guess by continuing to do what is it is I want to do. Create. Write. Design. Take walks. Eat well. Smile often. Belly Laugh. Dance. Cry. Pet the cat. Make some tea. Do a fire ritual. And eat a little chocolate.

Jedi: Ok, now you’re facing in the right direction. Keep doing that. Face toward what you want, let no thing (or other) distract you.

And when you get interrupted again by the other? What will you do to help yourself feel safe, to help yourself create, write, design?

Me: If I’m interrupted again, I can leave the room. I can take my computer upstairs into my bedroom and work in there.

Jedi: All of your power is Now (right now). Now (right now). Now is your power.

Me: Now is my power.

Jedi: Make up your mind that nothing is more important than directing your thoughts into telling a story that helps you feel good right now. Show yourself how you can put ease into your experience NOW, right now. Now is your point of attraction.

It doesn’t matter what is, what is keeps changing.

Look to no other. Be grateful and amazed that only you are responsible for your well-being.

Me: (grateful, amazed)

Jumping Out Of 5-Story Windows

Have you ever wanted to jump out of a 5-story window instead of facing what you know you need to face in order to get back to your best self?

Well I’m there.

It’s been a very long two weeks since I last posted on my blog. Granted, my creative mojo has been focused on designing web presences for a couple of new clients, I’m finding it’s about all the mojo I can muster up. I have none to spare. The cupboard feels empty.

I am grateful that creativity can be alive and well in my world, even when I’m not writing, but I miss it. A lot.

I’ve felt sort of stunted. As if some great force came along and sucked me dry of ideas, inspiration, and the self-confidence to write it down, press publish. I find that I’m with doubt way more than I’m with trust. And I’m excusing so many great post ideas because I just don’t see them as anything of value; worthy of sharing.

And yet I know exactly what is going on and do nothing about it. In fact, it appears I’d rather jump out a 5-story window than do what I need to do in order to reclaim my creative mojo.

It’s a pattern I know all too well.

I say ‘no’ when I want to say ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no.’  It’s about boundaries and standing up for my self, my own truth, without needing to explain it to anybody so they “get it” or stay engaged in the relating process.

It’s about taking the risk to be an outrageous bitch. Something that I don’t step into easily and yet it seems that it’s time to learn how.

I can either live with the uncomfortableness of wanting to jump or being an outrageous bitch. And yet only one of those choices is about saving myself.

So what exactly is going on?

I’m talking specifically about boundaries. And I’ve been realizing lately that I had an expectation (a hope or wish) that using boundaries would easier than it has been.

I have been practicing setting them (saying what I need out loud) with grace and dignity. In the past, this has been my challenge. Not knowing exactly what my boundaries were, so I could say them out loud. I’ve come along way. This much I can acknowledge myself for. Noticing how my body changes. Noticing how my energy dips or crashes. Watching myself behave and react in ways that do not honor myself or the other person I’m having the boundary-challenge with. Noticing that I want it to be different and asking myself later, what can I do differently next time?

Except my issues seem to be with the second piece of healthy boundary setting. What happens when they aren’t honored? What to do when you realize that there is a possibility that it might be impossible for the other to honor them. That their subconscious needs, fueled by their own fears, are the driving force behind the continued dishonoring of simple, straight-forward requests.

A request for silence so I can work. So I can write. So I can be with myself and follow the inspiration and take the chance to write it all down and press publish.

A request for peaceful voices instead of angry frustration, complaining, stories of the past that are repeated over and over.

A request that respects my time instead of the small comments here & there that feel like a manipulation to get me to participate in someone else’s drama, followed by the excuse “I promise to leave you alone after I say this one thing. I know I’m breaking your boundary. I promise I’ll make amends.”

So this post isn’t about words of wisdom that draw you into a nicely formed learning. It’s about saying what is, out loud. Just picking a place to begin writing and tell the story.

I’m beginning to realize that some of the greatest support I offer my clients is the space to say their truth out loud. So they can really hear it. See it. Look at it. Acknowledge where they are. I do not need to do anything else, except listen.

So today, if you are reading this, you are that for me. A safe place to say my truth and trust my process. And consider jumping out of 5 story windows. No matter how irrational it may be.