A Swarm Becoming Thunder

New towel? Anyone? Any… one?

Lately, I’ve been wondering, if I’m where I’m supposed to be. But this isn’t the usual twice-yearly big question-of-self-doubt perking its head up. No, it’s not that.

Usually, these self-doubty questions help me re-affirm my desire for being here. On the great big WWW, doing my entrepreneur thing. Showing up everyday, tap-tap-tapping away on this Toshiba laptop of mine… writing posts, writing code, designing art and basically helping others follow their own dream.

Not that I’m way ahead of you. Really I’m not. Especially if this morning, I’m thinking of throwing in the towel on all of it.

Real, honest, imperfection.

Maybe you are shocked by that. Maybe not. Maybe you’ve been around long enough to build your own opinion of who I am. Who you think I am, based on how I’m showing up. Here on my blog. Maybe you feel like you know me because we’ve worked together, having had client sessions to discuss the next steps in your web presence and other things you’d like to do with it. Maybe we’ve met offline a couple of times for coffee. Or lunch.

Maybe you saw my recent video with Tricia Karp. A woman like me, who is using the story of her own life as a guide for the kind online of business she’s building. You’ve seen my embodied presence, articulating my thoughts and ideas… rolling my eyes. Real, honest, imperfection. You’ve seen me now. Maybe you know me a bit better than you did before.

Caution: Intoxicated blogger ahead

All of us out here, bop around Twitter & Facebook, socializing with one another, getting to know one another, and sometimes there are a few of you, that when you tweet something, it hits on a personal truth of my own. And I can feel myself almost stand up more, maybe my dreams become a bit more solid and so I breath in deeply, one more time, a new determination and renewed commitment to being here, because I don’t feel so alone. I feel understood. Or known, somehow. Even if/when we really don’t know one another.

It’s a funny thing how that juice, or that connection, begins to establish itself. Based purely on what someone else has said. Either in a tweet or in a post. There’s a solidarity we feel. I want to run up and squeeze Danielle LaPorte for saying it so perfectly short & sweet. Or I want to raise a fist high in the air when I see a tweet from Bridget Pilloud about how some artists out here hide behind their excuses of being an artist to let themselves off the hook of actually running a business. Or when Charlie Gilkey throws out a zinger, that feels so meant for me. Not for all of you too, but just for me.

There’s a very fragile line between giving all of yourself and losing all of yourself. Be careful when you’re walking it.

This post is about disillusionment, my own and yours too. It’s got to be the #1 pedaled intoxicant on the information superhighway. And we can have disillusionment on so many levels out here.

Ok then, how about a game of cards?

I’m asking myself today, if my dream of entrepreneurship, of doing things I love with people I love and for people who truly appreciate the way I serve and who I choose to be while in service to and with them… I’m asking myself today, if it’s all been built on this shabby house of cards called disillusionment.

I can tell right now, this post isn’t going to underline some awesome life principle about disillusionment. Because for now, I haven’t got one. I am in it. And so, I am going to be in it. I am going to show it to you. I want to talk about it. With you. Here. On my blog.

I am going to save, whatever great thing I learn about disillusionment, for another post. After probably a few good coaching sessions from members of my team of adorers and supporters. Some is free. Some is paid for. All of it, is mine. And I will take it. But not today. Not right now.

One more time, I recognize how I wait. And then at some moment, I say now. Now you have my permission.  Go ahead. Really speak. Say what you’d like say. As if you were sitting here, with me, in person.

I want it to be real, don’t you too?

And I don’t know if jaws will drop down, I’ve really lost track of all the possible “outcomes.” There are too many to consider. And none of them really matter. If I’m willing to honor myself, my heart, my truth, my voice, me. My blog.

I’m out here, to be doing something different. I believe tomorrow’s heaven is built on it.

I have wares to sell, offerings of service. But if I took money out of the equation, I’m here to be me. I’m here to practice that. With an audience. Because I think secretly, deep down in all of us, we have this innate desire to find and connect with our audience, our people. The people that feel like, after you read a tweet or post, you know them. That You and I get each other.

I mean, I want that to be real. Don’t you too?

That’s intimacy there. That delicious feeling of getting got and getting them. You know, that moment in your head/heart/head/heart… in your BEING, when you get someone and they get you.

Online, it’s a word or sentence, written or read.

Offline, well you know. Think about what it’s like to look into someone’s eyes…

And the moment I decide, “Yeah, I get you!” I’m also saying, I like/admire/respect you. And I trust you. Or, at least what you just said. It resonates with me. I feel it and know what it is. I say Yes to it. I say, “Me too, me too!” You and I share this idea. Common ground. Solidarity. Union. Joining. We are one. For a moment anyway.

And so I get why disillusionment, can be such a bitch to swallow. Why it digs in so deep. Twisting & writhing. Why my teeth hurt. I gnash. I clench. I tighten. And swallow. Swallow swallow swallow it fucking whole. Opening wide. In you go…

Disillusionment.

It’s when you find out that what you’d hoped for isn’t gonna happen. Or at least, not the way you planned it. Like, just because you build a blog and have a pure heart, you are not going to replace that corporate salary. Not without real work. Real commitment.

It’s when someone chooses to show up with you completely contrary to everything they’ve shown you as who they are, until this moment. So all the “Yeah, I get you’s!”, the likes, admiration and respect. All the trust (which now turns back on you, because you’re the dumbfuck who trusted). Common ground. Solidarity. The union. The whole enchilada. Gets flushed down the toilet.

It’s out here. There is plenty of it being pedaled. Don’t think you won’t step in it. You will.

Disillusionment requires a disguise. Otherwise, like all scary unwanted things, we’d run from you if we saw you coming. And disillusionment does not look (or smell) like the steaming heap of crap that it is. It’s nice and warm though, when it squishes up between your toes! Consider it a disillusionment consolation prize. A fair exchange for all that other stuff you gave… the respect, the admiration, the trust. The tweets. The time. Your love & energy. For shit between your toes.

It is, very much like highschool in some ways. Discovering that there are people out here, whom you respect and admire, who turn out to have highschool attitudes. And be, not what they say they are, at all.

Disillusionment is here. Sitting beside me. I’m figuring out what I’m gonna do. Today, I tell myself and you the truth. I feel so disillusioned, I want to quit. I want to throw it all away. Flush it all. After I puke of course.

Tomorrow, I might feel different. I don’t know. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Today, I am disillusioned.

And this daily disillusionment I swallow is making me ill, infecting pieces of me, and my business. I cannot lie to myself any further. I cannot swallow another day.

A stranger inhabits too many of my inner rooms meant for soft light and smooth adoring voices. Not this dark, thickening suffocation. This strange-her.

She’s big & ugly. She’s a swarm becoming thunder. She’s a beast.

She is my intoxicant. And I am disillusioned.

17 thoughts on “A Swarm Becoming Thunder

  1. Mynde,
    I feel ya on this – I have been waking up to the disconnect between surface online appearances and the murky under workings of (some) in the online world. Yet I have been paying equal attention to the fact that there are those (fewer than I’d like right now) pioneers who really do “get” the new paradigm of win-win authentic service for the “greater good of all” energy and are slowly but surely paving the way for others to practice that same courage of being the ones to continue paving the new road. (I have learned first-hand that paving new roads usually isn’t easy work – you have to be the one to clear all the boulders and brambles out of the way) Not my favorite, yet I myself am coming to terms with the fact that I would rather move through the discomforts of architecting the new road that aligns with my heart than the inner pain and lack of inner integrity of traveling the smooth and “tricked out” road of the old “imbalanced” way. These are uncomfortable times indeed that are separating those who “get it” from those who do not “yet”. It is definitely not “boring”!!! 😉 (And interestingly in the last 6mos especially i have been seeing more and more “old way” travels disguised in “new way” costumes – making things even more frustrating indeed…)
    What I really want to applaud you for here in this post is your devotion to telling your truth – no matter what – and for your commitment to standing in the discomfort and letting it move through you and transform into something else rather than triggering actions that are aligned with the disillusionment itself. The gift of intimacy that you offer here is one that is not lost on me – is such a key in the new path and your willingness to pioneer this aspect (in and of itself) is a treasure that I know will come back to you tenfold in some avenue or another. Rock on through the disillusionment “pit stop” – I can already feel the gifts it is bringing you bubbling up to the surface.
    😉
    Amy

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    • Hey Amy, wow, thank you for your words… i’m standing up a lil straighter in this heaviness. I love noticing that. I can be on my way back to alignment… really zinging me with “…“old way” travels disguised in “new way” costumes.” Can I call bingo?! xomm.

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      • Yes – this trend of “New Paradigm” jargon being used as a marketing “tactic” with all the “old way” underpinnings is particularly slippery. And for many “practicing” this or “buying into” this “third way” of transition I am sensing for many it is still an unconscious manifestation with lessons to be learned for every player involved. Yet it is uncomfortable bordering on painful for me to witness. I have chosen to focus on getting crystal clear about the integrity of my own intentions and path – trusting that the vibrational match of those who are in full alignment will be attracted to my truth and those either wearing or still seeking the “costumed third way” will energetically feel the disconnect and fall away along their own unique path of unfoldment – all of which are divinely perfect eh?! Hugs to you my dear and BINGO back atcha! 😉

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      • ironically, trusting the vibe I’m broadcasting to attract to me those who are in alignment… sometimes the disconnect does’t fall away. it would be too easy. we are required to ask our selves, where did this mismatch originate from so we can determine “it is within me.” it’s another hard gulp. it’s what abraham taught me in the chair this year… i mean, it’s what i heard and understood. i have radiated out, in strong enough content, a mixed signal. an unconscious manifestation, as you said, because i wasn’t aware i was broadcasting that mixed signal, and yet life shows me that i am. i guess the real power, my power, comes back right here, at this juncture because I can see that even in the hard gulping of the truth, the power is within me to make it different. and then my storytelling begins again. the reminder that this is for me. it’s really going to be ok. life is good. i have loved. i do love. life is good.

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      • Oooh this is juicy stuff Mynde – Not quite sure if I can put into words all that is running through me at this point – Yet the part where you said, “we are required to ask our selves, where did this mismatch originate from so we can determine “it is within me.” it’s another hard gulp. it’s what abraham taught me in the chair this year… i mean, it’s what i heard and understood. i have radiated out, in strong enough content, a mixed signal. an unconscious manifestation, as you said, because i wasn’t aware i was broadcasting that mixed signal, and yet life shows me that i am.” This is such a rich piece of wisdom…ding, ding, ding!!! I can also relate big time. And one thing I am discovering for myself is the disconnect that has existed between my mind’s “understanding” and the other energetic channels of my body and spirit that still hold unhealed wounds or imbalance – yet are not as easily identifiable in linguistic terms. And as I am sure you probably recognize with all your astrology work the entire human race is mucking around with the “collective” imbalance of the chakras especially the root chakra…which adds a whole other collective energy layer to the mix of our individual daily paths…fun stuff – yet not for the faint of heart eh?! And so what is really up for me through all of this is my focus and commitment to fostering the self-acceptance, compassion and even self-love for the beautiful duality and imperfection of my humanity – (No biggie right?! Easy peasy stuff… 😉

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  2. Square-Peg Karen

    Thank you for this post of pure vulnerability – open-heartedness – and pain, honest pain!

    Disillusionment hurts like a mf-er – & while I wish that wasn’t your experience right now, Mynde – I am SO glad that you chose to share it here. You’ve done that thing you wrote about: offered your readers that connection thing, the “You and I get each other” thing. Thank you!

    Bowing – sending love – and fervently hoping that your tomorrow DOES feel different!

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  3. thank you so much for your post, Mynde. A breath of fresh air in a world where the shadows have been disenfranchised. And how apropos for me personally in this very moment where I wrestle with my own disillusionment.

    I am in a house of mirrors. And not just online! though this certainly has its unique veils of illusion, as does all written communication. So much more is hidden. The smell, touch, taste, movement of the Other which are key ways for our animals to determine integrity. Words are linear. Words do not convey the subtleties and complexities of an individual. We need dimension. Poetry gets closer to it. So does this post. Yet still mostly cyberpsace is a fun house of mirrors.

    What I most trip out on is my creation of illusion from my projections which then become the source of my disillusionment! I am experiencing this even with my most intimate partner who I thought I KNEW every jot and tittle after 10 years. Nope. Neptune is ever with us! and my projected dreams and visions and wounds are forever fucking with my head! haha! once again to be disillusioned by because the other has not lived up to my grand design.

    Thank you for this full exposure of your pain, Mynde. In it my vulnerable self is fortified. I wouldn’t have the courage to venture into this cyberspace to create in without seeing, smelling, tasting, touching this level of integrity. You are my guide.

    Amy, your comment is so rich and deep and true, I am going to be digesting it all day.

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    • Kathleen Thank you for your kind words. 😉

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      • kathleen,
        we need a teacher like you out here. i don’t mean to pressure you, with asking for more from you in the way you are already serving us, but we do need you. i feel like I need you. and someone who can talk about what we have been so afraid to talk about and name and reconcile within ourselves. accept, learn to love and honor all of it. the complexity, everything.

        maybe right there, is the shiney thread of destiny. something to look at, and build more ideas around and bring us through this strange unfamiliar territory of disillusionment.

        kathleen, i write and press publish for me. i may talk to you and others. but really. selfishly, i reveal myself and step into vulnerability to help me see myself. at least, after i press publish and read what I was willing to write and share, i see more of myself than i did before i wrote it.

        thank you for being in my orbit of mysterious creation. xomm.

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      • oooooooooooo… such DELICIOUS play here in our cauldron’s this grey cloud day! Thank you so much for your response, Mynde! Your honoring trips me out. And I am going to seize it as my own! A gift from Dark Eros and the witches cauldron of brewing poisons. Destiny. We shall see. And perhaps as you suggest it is a thread… for all of us. I hear it in each one’s response.

        and this… such an exquisite teaching and truth…. my tao as well…
        “kathleen, i write and press publish for me. i may talk to you and others. but really. selfishly, i reveal myself and step into vulnerability to help me see myself. at least, after i press publish and read what I was willing to write and share, i see more of myself than i did before i wrote it.”

        thank you so much.
        xoxo

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  4. Christy Hernandez

    Hi Mynde,

    Thank so much for this post. I appreciate how you are comitted to always sharing your truth no matter what. You are a shining eample for us all and I feel so blessed to have you in my world!

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    • christy,
      thank you for reminding me what i’m doing out here. i, truly, sometimes forget… get offtrack and distracted. i am showing myself, day after day, with choices like sharing this post, that i am committed to me. thank you for showing me what Love looks like. you give generously, with no expectation of anything in return. you give to give it. You my friend, bless MY WORLD. xomm.

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  5. @myndemayfield Lovely post! Raw, the way we all feel sometimes. Thank you for sharing. http://t.co/S9Sob1m

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  6. RT @myndemayfield My post on disillusionment. it's raw & real. but you know me… or do you? http://t.co/a0oLbjy // oooooh, girl….

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  7. I don’t have words, I just have love. I’m in an interesting place myself right now and just want to send you love, love, and more love. To you, Mynde. To all of you on this post thread (and to the entire world at large). LOVE to you all. xoxoxox

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  8. RT @myndemayfield: Got Disillusionment? "Broke out of the harness, Let it go…" http://bit.ly/jK6vLx play it loud & set yourself free 😉

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