Have you ever wanted to jump out of a 5-story window instead of facing what you know you need to face in order to get back to your best self?
Well I’m there.
It’s been a very long two weeks since I last posted on my blog. Granted, my creative mojo has been focused on designing web presences for a couple of new clients, I’m finding it’s about all the mojo I can muster up. I have none to spare. The cupboard feels empty.
I am grateful that creativity can be alive and well in my world, even when I’m not writing, but I miss it. A lot.
I’ve felt sort of stunted. As if some great force came along and sucked me dry of ideas, inspiration, and the self-confidence to write it down, press publish. I find that I’m with doubt way more than I’m with trust. And I’m excusing so many great post ideas because I just don’t see them as anything of value; worthy of sharing.
And yet I know exactly what is going on and do nothing about it. In fact, it appears I’d rather jump out a 5-story window than do what I need to do in order to reclaim my creative mojo.
It’s a pattern I know all too well.
I say ‘no’ when I want to say ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no.’ It’s about boundaries and standing up for my self, my own truth, without needing to explain it to anybody so they “get it” or stay engaged in the relating process.
It’s about taking the risk to be an outrageous bitch. Something that I don’t step into easily and yet it seems that it’s time to learn how.
I can either live with the uncomfortableness of wanting to jump or being an outrageous bitch. And yet only one of those choices is about saving myself.
So what exactly is going on?
I’m talking specifically about boundaries. And I’ve been realizing lately that I had an expectation (a hope or wish) that using boundaries would easier than it has been.
I have been practicing setting them (saying what I need out loud) with grace and dignity. In the past, this has been my challenge. Not knowing exactly what my boundaries were, so I could say them out loud. I’ve come along way. This much I can acknowledge myself for. Noticing how my body changes. Noticing how my energy dips or crashes. Watching myself behave and react in ways that do not honor myself or the other person I’m having the boundary-challenge with. Noticing that I want it to be different and asking myself later, what can I do differently next time?
Except my issues seem to be with the second piece of healthy boundary setting. What happens when they aren’t honored? What to do when you realize that there is a possibility that it might be impossible for the other to honor them. That their subconscious needs, fueled by their own fears, are the driving force behind the continued dishonoring of simple, straight-forward requests.
A request for silence so I can work. So I can write. So I can be with myself and follow the inspiration and take the chance to write it all down and press publish.
A request for peaceful voices instead of angry frustration, complaining, stories of the past that are repeated over and over.
A request that respects my time instead of the small comments here & there that feel like a manipulation to get me to participate in someone else’s drama, followed by the excuse “I promise to leave you alone after I say this one thing. I know I’m breaking your boundary. I promise I’ll make amends.”
So this post isn’t about words of wisdom that draw you into a nicely formed learning. It’s about saying what is, out loud. Just picking a place to begin writing and tell the story.
I’m beginning to realize that some of the greatest support I offer my clients is the space to say their truth out loud. So they can really hear it. See it. Look at it. Acknowledge where they are. I do not need to do anything else, except listen.
So today, if you are reading this, you are that for me. A safe place to say my truth and trust my process. And consider jumping out of 5 story windows. No matter how irrational it may be.