If your friend/relationship doesn’t allow for exploration of difficulties and is so fragile you don’t dare approach conflict, then whether it is a loving friendship must be questioned. ~Brenda Davies
Today’s Daily Inspiration hits home. Many points highlight shifts in several of my relationships this past year.
Like making the decision not to collude (turning a blind eye when you see another self-destructing) at the cost of the people involved or the relationship itself. BIG!
This year, I’ve had the opportunity to ask myself over and over, “Where am I colluding? And with whom?” And then weigh in on the costs and benefits of this behavior.
When I collude with another, and pretend that I don’t see what I really see, and I don’t hear what I’m really hearing, the high cost of not living true causes a deep inner pain.
And because I’m not willing to look at the truth of it, the pain often reappears in my life at the wrong time with the wrong person. Or, I can’t figure out why I’m so resentful and angry towards another.
The presence of resentment and anger always tip me off… what isn’t being said that needs to be said?
So why don’t we say what we need to say more often and slip into comatose states of collusion? Mostly because when we think about speaking our truth, it brings up the internal fear of loss, being rejected for speaking up or receiving disapproval from another.
Which then points to “conditional love” within the relationship.
Conditions are things we use to measure whether the relationship is good or worth holding onto.
They sound like “as long as we agree, we are friends.”
Or “I promise to never mention when I feel hurt by things you’ve said you’d do and didn’t do and then made sloppy excuses about it.”
Or “we secretly agree to avoid conflict at any cost and pretend everything is really ok when it’s not.”
Conditions come from an idea that WE are not enough as we are. And cannot be loved for WHO we are. The ultimate betrayal of self. And then we transfer that onto and into the relationship.
When we have issues of self-worth, we see any connection as being better than none. Otherwise known as settling.
And then what a fragile precipice we stand upon. Fearing rejection at any moment, we stand still. Stuck. Afraid to speak up. Denying ourselves our own feelings. Stuffing them into the dark compartments of our soul.
From the fear of being alone, we begin to accept into our life, the very things that cause the internal pain that lead to more self-destruction.
All friendship or relationship starts with loving me first. And if your selfish bell goes off here, you must understand that we have nothing real to offer anyone without coming from love first.
In 2010, I’m committed to continuing to focus on deepening existing friendships and relationships based on honoring the love I have for myself first.
I’ll be looking closely for feelings of resentment and anger I hold so I can figure out a way to say what I need to say, more often.
I’ll be personally weighing in on what conditions I have in place and if they serve our relationship.
I’ll be continually looking out for the sleepy collusion of not valuing myself and our relationship enough to say with love, what needs to be said out loud.
Because I love you. And I love myself. More than I did last year.
Best of ’09 is a series of posts inspired by Gwen Bell’s The Best of 09 Blog Challenge. It’s a challenge designed to help me write more and rediscover more grateful moments in my 2009! Hopefully, 31 posts in 31 days 😉