Best of ’09 is a series of posts inspired by Gwen Bell’s The Best of 09 Blog Challenge. It’s a challenge designed to help me write more and rediscover more grateful moments in my 2009! Hopefully, 31 posts in 31 days 😉
Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?
Not too impossible to guess. That is, if you flatter me with your presence here at my blog. I wrote about it in a post called Rope Swings and Avalanches. Not too long ago actually. And I knew I’d probably be writing about it again.
But first, I want to tell you another secret. As if the post about my biggest challenge wasn’t revealing enough. I want to tell you about my ongoing challenge with doubt and judging myself. No big surprise here if you write. Especially about your personal stuff and put it out for the world to read.
Immediately after hitting the publish button for that post, I was sort of numb. Waaay relieved. But there was also a numbness I noticed. I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say it was uncomfortable.
And then all the crazy thoughts about how stupid I was for doing it. For writing about it. For talking about something that wanted so badly to be talked about and acknowledged. And my mind raced all around the dark empty places of self-doubt.
Enter Awaken. What was that? What was I afraid of, really?
Saying too much? Saying it untrue? You thinking “What kind of life coach is she if she has that kind of shit going on?”
What kind of expectations have I put on myself? About being a life coach? A helper for others? Am I super human? Above the hurts and challenges of life?
What is really behind this idea of “not letting your warts show?” And of course, “Shhhh, don’t talk about it.” It being whatever you are not intentionally not talking about in your own life. We’ve all got our warts and its.
Enter Support. And then, there’s Twitter. Again. In another post. Two days in a row. That little blue bird, I tell ya!
Johnny B Truant talking about being yourself. Really being who you are and telling everyone else to f off (well he’d probably really say fuck).
“And one more thing. I have found that if I am nervous to post something—if I think I might look bad or reveal too much or give advice that people will hate—these are the posts that people care about, because they further my connection with people and further the conversation we’re having, and connection and conversation are the crux of linking.”
And then @oberata‘s twitter message to me this morning where he shared how my recent “pain post” (yeah, the one I’m calling my #best09 challenge) and my transparency in it inspired The Simple Choice. And wow. Please go read it. For a gratitude/reality check. Please!
Out of all my recent posts, the day I pressed publish on that post, I got more blog comments, re-tweets, and web hits in one day plus a few hugs, a couple of I’m sorry’s, some thank you’s and several congratulations, I love you’s. Underscoring several points in Penelope’s so-good-to-the-last-drop post.
Not that that’s the point.
My point is it’s interesting to realize that within my most challenging moment was contained so much good. At least what I perceive as good. And how on the brink I was of not publishing it. Of holding back. Again. AGAIN!
But intentionally saying No! to withholding. And I took a deep breathe, bawled my ass off and wrote it down, and then sat through mild heart palpitations before, during and after hitting publish.
I think my biggest ongoing challenge is with self-doubt. How I tango with myself internally. And what’s up with thinking I’m wrong for being here. Thinking this. Saying that. Loving her. Saying “This isn’t working for me” or even going so far as to have a “people purge” (check out another great Best of ’09 Challenge entry from Randomly Candice).
Challenging is always choosing to show up as your self in the moment. And not judge that. Just be. And be better than OK with it. Be happy about it.
I’m finding examples of other people doing that. And teaching myself how to be grateful for being exactly who I am.
Oh, and noticing withhold and saying to myself “let her rip!”
Pretty sure that’s lemonade I just made with those lemons. Optymism forever!