If you have never treated yourself and your body to massage, it is a wonderful practice in loving yourself and honoring the remarkable wisdom of the body. I have been fortunate to know and work with an amazing masseuse Breanah whom I connected with through my chiropractor.
When Breanah and I work together, she supports a deeper level of communication with my body by inviting me into dialog with my internal organs and even etheric parts of my being. Talk about going deeper into Trust, the particular quality that I am always focused on bringing forward in my life. Since my journey into becoming a coach and now working with my clients, Trust is a crucial part of supporting me to engage fully into my life and be of service to others. Without Trust, I would not hear my intuitive voice let alone be able to act on it. I’ve noticed that since I am “willing” to practice trusting myself, my intuitive voice gets stronger. And if I’m willing to risk going even deeper into the practice by acting on the intuitive voice, I’m learning that it’s never wrong… the only mistake I ever make is not listening to it to begin with.
If you’ve been reading my blog postings as of late, I have been sharing a lot about my past and how I’m allowing myself to process and heal it to support moving forward… the theme is always to move forward and not allow the fear of the past repeating itself to keep you stuck in your current place.
I’m not sure how long I have been experiencing the sensation of seeing my mother in my eyes and reflection. At times it’s been uncomfortable, reminding me of our relationship, and perhaps more honestly, the lack of it. During these moments of awareness, I would choose to acknowledge her in the reflection and send her love. Yet, most of the time I felt a sort of resistance within me as I practiced the acknowledgment piece. It has certainly been a risk for me to see her and acknowledge her there staring back at me. My old condition was to look for where she doesn’t accept or approve of my behavior, of who I am which stems from the wound of abandonment and thinking that I must not be worth much or I must be very lovable if she choose to leave. Sometimes, in my eyes, which are my mother’s, I hear that old negative pattern of thought and I think this is why it’s sometimes uncomfortable for me acknowledge her in my reflection.
Yesterday, Breanah invited me into conversation with my “inner child” and my “teenager.” I personally experienced some profound emotions as the conversations unfolded and Breanah and I worked to welcome the teenager back into my heart so that I could practice being the adult mother to her. I had no idea my teenager had gone anywhere at all. However, as we asked myself questions and I trusted the answers that came from within me, I discovered she had taken herself away to a place she felt was safer for her. When Breanah suggested I ask her if she wanted to join with me now, I became overwhelmed with emotion and began crying on the massage table. I felt some remorse that I was not aware that she was missing. Not only did I welcome her back into my heart where I told her we would never be apart again and she was always welcomed there, it turned out this was a long-yearned-for healing salve. We then checked in with my inner child and I saw a small child playing on the floor with toys. Breanah asked, “How is your inner child now?” and I replied, “She’s playing. She is content.” It was such a beautiful experience to feel myself as that child, happy, playing, content. It was also a very healing experience to welcome back my teenager. Talk about a feeling of wholeness!
When my session with Breanah was over, I was getting dressed and I happened to see my reflection in a small mirror that hangs on the back of the door. I was stunned. I mean I’ve seen my reflection a million times, but something stopped me this time. I didn’t recognize myself. In fact, the thought that passed through my head was, “Wow, I look so different!” I didn’t see my mom this time. I saw myself and it was strange to somehow not recognize myself or at least not have a sense of familiarity with my reflection. Now as I’m writing this, it is even clearer “who” I saw… because there was a youthfulness in my reflection, it was my teenager I saw. Wow! Now tears are flowing… I saw a part of myself I haven’t seen in a long time and I am happy.
I am grateful to Breanah, my body’s wisdom, my willingness to trust having conversations with different aspects of myself and to welcome my teenager back into my heart after a long absence. Wholeness is a trip… I’d invite you to take the journey within and experience it for yourself.